Day 40: COMPLETE

Thank God for Saturday. Tomorrow I've invited Sister M***** and her husband Brother C***** out to eat, and they're supposedly coming. As for today though... I made it finally. Went out to do a little shopping, felt a little faint while in CVS. There wasn't much to report. I'm going to keep praying, and keep emailing Sister M*****, I told her in today's email that I'm still praying for her, but I'm done fasting, heh. I didn't announce it on facebook, But I did make a small sort of announcement that I'm praying and that I'm DONE finally. I also did tell my aunt, I had a long ride with her to take her home.

So that's what happened on the last day. Somehow I made it. Through God's grace... I made it. THANK GOD. I just hope I've made a difference in Sister M*****'s life... I know it has made a difference in mind.

Day 39: TGIF

What a long week! Probably because a watched pot never boils, and a long anticipated day is slow in coming. Somehow, I've made it through day 39.

The singspiration tonight was splendid. I managed to do my solo, sing 3 songs with the quartet, and 4 songs with the praise team. The worship was great. I managed to avoid the desserts at the end, although yet another woman guessed that I was fasting, and quite a few more people remarked on how much weight I've lost.

Sister M***** got up to do her song... and she mentioned that her treatments weren't effective, but that she was going to keep the faith. Afterward I caught up with her and talked a little bit about it, they were going to put her on another drug, and the MD's didn't give her a prognosis. I just felt (whether me or from elsewhere) that this would mean that the miracle from God would be even greater... man could do nothing, but with God, all things are possible. I told her I was still praying for her and her husband. I asked if she cared if I stopped emailing her, but she wanted me to continue... and she was sure of that. I invited her and her husband out to eat on Sunday.

On another note... I'm seriously announcing on facebook, when I have completed the fast. This is not to bring glory or attention or credit to myself. It's to challenge others to look outside themselves and do something for someone else. That is ultimately one of the main themes of the Bible.

There are so many people that have so many resources... time, strength, talent, even their body... that don't get utilized properly. I spend money on dumb things while people die of starvation without Jesus, and while Christians in China are executed. I whittle away my time on useless pursuits when I could be witnessing, studying the Bible, or encouraging. I age slowly, feeding my body day in and day out, when I could be fasting for someone. I have talents that are untapped, or rarely used, when I could be putting them to good use in God. This is what I have been pondering lately. Something to think about...

38: Forging Ahead...

I certainly thought that I would be in a different position by now, 38 days in. Although I've seen positive changes, setbacks, encouragement, discouragement, wisdom, and learned a lot of other things, I really did think this would be more spiritual than usual.

One thing I am surprised in is the number of times I've been offered something free to eat, either at church or at work, even as a guest in others homes. Gone out to eat, etc. Tomorrow is the last time I will have to deal with that, I think... tomorrow night after the singspiration, there's going to be free desserts. Fun stuff. I'm a sucker for desserts, but I won't be tomorrow evening.

I pray I'll learn more... the end isn't happening yet.

Day 37: The End is Near

I arrive at work, and I find that we have been brought donuts. Free donuts. What wretched luck. Oh well.

I managed to get through the workday, ran errands, got home, went to church, etc... I got several compliments from people about how much weight I've lost. I came very close... VERY close to telling two of them why. Not out of bragging... but I would like to inspire SOMEONE to do SOMETHING. It seems like nobody is doing anything... nobody is praying for her, nobody is fasting for her. It's just "another person that has cancer". It hasn't even been announced at church. It hasn't been mentioned in the prayer requests. It's frustrating.

I want to encourage others to do something more than simply being weak, fairweather christians. I want there to be a challenge in my life to grow constantly... and likewise, I want others to be challenged to grow, with their focus on God and not the stupid things of Laodicea. *sigh*

But I didn't. I'll hold my peace, and ponder these things anew...

Day 36: Low Key & Busy

Plenty of work to do at work, then even more to do once I got home. Shopping and such. Then practice for the singspiration on Friday night. As drummer, I felt like my arms were about to fall off. I keep forgetting to take my vitamin. But I drank a good enough amount of water... I suppose. Still getting settled at work. Still working out the songs for the singspiration. Things are going well enough.

I really would have though that I'd almost have some sort of... supernational powers by now, almost. Concentration, persuasion, something... but then again, I am already planning out my next few meals.

One thing I do not advise... don't go grocery shopping while on day 36 of a 40 day fast. I bought a lot more than I needed, but if I had really turned myself loose, I would have owned the store. Heh.

Day 35: Monday Blues...

What a BUSY day. I had to move my desk at work to a different building. And set everything up again. On top of that, there was lots of work. And meetings.

Overall, today was not a great day of progress... feels like one step forward, two steps back... but I'm still getting down and praying. Not as long as I should. Not as fervently... but I have to do it regardless. I have to make this a positive habit, regardless of if I feel I have failed or whether I feel victorious.

On another note, I've been contemplating something:
At the end of the fast, should I announce that I have completed it?

Your initial answer may well be "no", because it's supposed to be a secret. I could understand that it's something between God and I, but the Bible seems to indicate that it shouldn't be talked about WHILE you're going through it, to gain sympathy... you don't often gain sympathy "after the fact".

The question you might ask is, "Why? Why should I? What is the benefit of doing so?" That's simple enough... to inspire others to do so. I will almost guarantee you that there are precious few Christians that are willing or that think they are able to do something like this. There are probably less than 1 in 200 that even have considered it a possibility, much less done so. A 40-day fast is usually chalked up as something only for spiritual superhumans like Elijah, Moses, and Jesus (the only three in the Bible we have record of doing so). Even then, I've heard many ministers people speak of these as supernatural fasts, that they wouldn't be possible. Granted, since I'm not in the wilderness praying, I'm working and drumming, picking up my kids and shopping for groceries, I'm expending more energy and I'll need my system to not be completely shocked and destroyed... so I have had a few bowls of soup and occasional drinks of milk and juice. I've still lost 40+ pounds.

When Paul spoke in 2 Corinthians 11 & 12, he "boasted" of his accomplishments: being whipped 5 times (39 lashes each time), stoned, twice beaten with rods, shipwrecked three times... he also mentions starving when he didn't have food, and fasting when he did. He didn't write this to receive glory of those that read it, he wrote that so that they would aspire to be greater for God. It was all for God's glory. I believe it was the same for Daniel and his fasts, they are for God to get the glory from. But it was only told about after the fast.

So... what should I do? I don't know. I'm still thinking about it. I would like Sister M***** to be encouraged in God, I would like the youth to be inspired, I would like the church to be challenged, and most of all, I want God to be edified.

I'll continue to ponder it...

Day 34: Church!

Today was "All Nations Sunday" at church. So we basically had a potluck of all KINDS of delicious foods. That I couldn't eat. A number of people mentioned to me that I looked like I had lost weight... and several people even remarked on the fact that I hadn't eaten anything. I tried to dismiss is as "I'm already done", or not be in the room in the first place. But some people knew I hadn't eaten... oh well.

I did get to talk to Sister M***** a little bit, she told me about how the people at her pharmacy were amazed, because her insurance covers an incredibly rarely covered, rarely prescribed, expensive, and powerful anti-nausea medicine that she's getting... and she's going on lower doses of something else... although she's getting higher doses of the main chemo drugs, because it's doing something to help, apparently. I can only pray... God can do the miracles. But I'm inspired by her.

One day at a time. I can only pray that I'm making a difference...

Day 33: Exhaustion Continues...

Got only 4 hours sleep last night. Woke up to go to work (overtime!) at 5:30, couldn't manage it, so I got there a bit late, around 6:40. Worked until 3:40.

While I was at work, in the morning, bagels were provided for us. For free. And cream cheeses... blueberry, regular, and strawberry, all of which I LOVE. But I could not indulge in. For lunch (again for free), some GIGANTIC sandwiches were delivered... tuna, turkey, ham, everything else you could think of, and you could put whatever fixins you wanted on them... again I had to abstain. And yes, as I walked down the stairs while everyone else was rejoicing in the food, I again thought, "Devil, you are just being a jerk now". Knowing that I won't eat, yet rubbing it in my face all the same. Oh well.

After work, I went to my daughters birthday party. Pizza and DELICIOUS smelling cake. The pizza smelt good too, but... oh man. It was tough.

1 week left...

Day 32: Recovery and Exhaustion

I returned to work today. Not so much stress... but a lot of work. I had to pack everything up to move into another building... but I was also offered overtime. I ended up spending 16.5 hours at work today, much of it "on loan" to another department. And I'm anticipating double-time for much of it. That's what I'm hoping for at least! $500 in one day? Sign me up!

I got a bowl of soup, just because I would need a little help with overcoming the sickness as well as working so long.

I've come to this conclusion: the enemy is a jerk. The devil knows that I'm not going to throw away this fast, and yet I am tempted with a HUGE, FREE meal of Chinese food, all the best things... for working in this department. The aromas... drove me nuts. No way would I indulge in it. But it was there anyway. So many free meals.

Oh, and a coworker started prying about my eating habits, so eventually I told her. Not a big deal, but she doesn't know all of it... but she knows. Minor news, but whatever.

I'm very tired. Still a little sick. The anti-cold meds I'm taking is helping a lot, it's only masking the symptoms, but that's all I really ask for. I hate runny noses.

Still praying for Sister M*****. I hope this is helping her... only God knows.

Day 31: Sick as a dog

Felt awful today. Didn't go to work. I have a bad cold or the flu or something... but I'll snap out of it in time. Just getting the extra rest, a couple glasses of apple juice in the morning, and a bowl of chicken noodle soup this evening, helped a bit. Now I'm just tired again. I have to go to work tomorrow, and get some overtime in, as well as work on Saturday too. It's a crummy thing to do, when you should be getting sleep, but overtime is so rarely offered, I have to take advantage of it while I can. An extra $400 would really help.

We're having a singspiration next Friday, which I'm excited about. Sister M***** said that she would like to sing, so I finally convinced her to call the church secretary and get herself in there. I'm excited about that. Of course, I'm excited any time I can influence someone to step out and try something new spiritually... or even just encourage someone.

I need some rest, while I can...

Day 30: 75% Complete

With 3/4ths of the fast over, I can't help but wonder: Have I made a difference?

I have in my own life. As far as Sister M*****, I don't know... I've encouraged her. But many of us don't know the effects we'll have until we reach "the other side". I'm down around 40 lbs now, give or take.

Still sick. Feeling worse. But I'm making positive changes in my life. Some that I'm reluctant to make... but it's for the best. Kind of like taking a bandaid off... you just have to do it. Eventually it'll feel better.

God give me grace... I need it.

Day 29: More Offers of Food

Every time I fast... it happens. I am offered food. GOOD food. FREE food. But only if I'm fasting.

So yes, there was a staff meeting today. Free ice cream and a fruit/berry bowl. And I had to fake like I didn't want any. Still sick, still feeling under the weather, and even feeling a bit weaker.

I got a good amount of water today, but nothing else. Still a bit dehydrated, even with all the water I drank.

Every Monday, Sister M***** has her cancer treatment, and I guess they upped her dose yesterday. She was really not feeling well (remember that chemotherapy is poison that's put in your body, poisonous enough to supposedly kill cancer cells, but not enough to do as much damage to regular cells). Chemotherapy is rough to go through, and I want her not only healed, but feeling better... and encouraged.

I need to be praying for her more.

Day 28: Monday Blues

Woke up sick. Feeling sicker as I write this. I am consolidated with the thought that it's now less than two weeks until I can eat. I'm not used to wanting food this badly. And I don't like to think it, but it may be affecting my health a bit more than I'd like. I'm not getting the nutrition that I want or need.

Today someone posted something on Facebook about the Giants beating the Braves in the playoffs... and it turned into a Biblical dispute about the antediluvian giants in Genesis 6. Maybe "dispute" is a strong word, but I was in the thick of it anyway. I wonder if my posts will last until the morning, but I was extremely civil, but I also dug pretty far into scripture, and a lot of what I read inspired me. Made me do a lot of thinking about the powers that resist God, and how easy it is to fall away from God. That's one thing that happened to me.

Suddenly, I have an extreme craving for ravioli and bread. Oh well.

Yes, I have not been nearly as close to God as I should be. I haven't been praying, or studying, or reading my Bible like I should be. Of this I am ashamed. And it's time that this changes. I love the word, I love to learn about it, dig into it, and let God reveal things to me. And this is another change in me that is happening. One of many that are needed.

Day 27: Fun Day at Church

Today was a day for kids at church. "Western Day". We were all supposed to dress up somewhat western like... cowboy hats, etc. I figured I'd wear blue jeans and a bolo tie if I could find one, and my genuine Texan Cowboy Hat. But then I figured I could go a step further... I found a Pancho Villa mustache for a few bucks, yanked out my "Chevys" sombrero that you get for your birthday, and a blanket that I picked up when I last visited the southwest, then slung two belts of bullets around my shoulders. It was a fun day, and everyone loved my costume.

Aside from that, I have now had another bowl of soup... making a total of 7 in 28 days. I'm really feeling the need for more nutrition, especially now that I feel like I'm coming down with something... I have a rough sore throat. I'm not getting the kind of sleep that I'd like, that I should be getting, but that's going to be changing. I'd like to start going to bed by 11, that would be pretty much ideal.

My older sister remarked on how I've been losing weight. She wondered what my goal was. Heh. My "goal" is to get through the next 2 weeks.

Already, I can see that God is doing a work in me... and in my family... even in my finances, although this has to be related to the fact that I'm not eating out much, or eating anything at work, heh.

Although this is supposed to be a "fast", I'm not sure just how much it qualifies as one if I am eating a bowl of soup every 4 days. A forty day fast? I don't know... but whatever. I'm not doing this for man's approval, just God's. If you're going to tell me that God can't use me if I eat soup a few times during a forty day fast, then you seriously need to be checked in your spirit.

I'm still dehydrated... at times it makes me a little dizzy. Like this morning, when I couldn't drink from the church drinking fountain (the only thing I had to drink for a while) because I was wearing the mustache. It didn't feel so swell. And yes, I'm not drinking milk and juice regularly, it's irregular at best. I'm not taking my vitamins, because I keep leaving them at work. But when at work, I am usually good about getting one a day.

I want to devote more of my life to God. Reading the Bible, studying, etc. I used to be sooo much more devoted... and the past few years... I've slipped. *sigh*

That's part of the reason for this fast. That wasn't part of it when I first felt that I should do this, but it has become part of the reason. This is still very much for Sister M*****, and I pray for her every day. But I'm seeing more effects... I can't see the effects it's having on her, except possibly encouraging her more.

But God knows...

Day 26: Temptations abound...

Today I was offered a free meal at Red Lobster. My mother called me up and offered to take me there, in exchange for taking her to Fry's Electronics... two places that I love to go. There was no way I could take her up on the offer... but it was duly noted WHEN this offer was given. I don't know that she's ever offered me that. Oh well.

I've lost over 30 lbs so far. Much of it could be water, but at the same time... eating nothing means that your body is burning SOMETHING. I drank a little Hi-C orange drink today, mainly because I was feeling a bit dizzy and a little faint. Tonight I had a glass of milk. This can't be healthy, but it's my situation right now.

Above all, still praying (not as much as I should) and still telling Sister M***** that I'm praying for her. I hope she stays encouraged...

Day 25: TGIF

Thank God for the weekend. This has been quite a week. Every day... I was offered something to eat. Donuts, Bagels, Cupcakes... today, a Chinese food dish, whatever I wanted, paid for by the boss. So I drove home and gave it to the family for lunch. Torture. Not actual torture... I'm sure chinese Christians in "re-education camps" may differ with me, but still. I didn't know this could possibly be so long!

And it seems like every time I talk to someone, they are talking about some delicious dish and how awesome it is to eat.

And of course, tonight we had "marriage builders" with the church married couples. I had some soup, while everyone else had delicious mexican foods. It was noticed that I didn't eat anything delicious, and some asked why. I managed to divert the subject... but it was clear that I was complaining of hunger and how everything else looked so good... and that could clearly be considered, "disfiguring ones face to appear unto men to fast". Nobody guessed that I was fasting, but still... I have to watch my step. What I say.

That's always good advice.

Day 24: Can this go any slower?

Another day. I'm feeling a good amount of energy. Still chronically dehydrated. I had another bowl of soup today, just because I really don't think I'm getting the nutrition I need, especially with me not getting my juice and milk daily, like I wanted to.

But I don't want soup. I am starving for food. 16 more days? I'll live. But it's practically unthinkable.

How am I doing in other areas? Life goes on. Still praying for Sister M*****. She needs prayer...

Day 23: Crawling Along

Could this go by ANY slower? Two weeks from this Saturday will be my last day. And yet this just seems to seriously be dragging. I have 17 days left, and just because I got past the "halfway" mark, I suddenly thought that this might be easy? Downhill from there? Not quite. I'm constantly trying to think of ways that I could break this fast and get some chicken... to no avail.

On another note, the past several days, I've not stuck to my plan. I haven't had any milk or juice in a while, only water. And my breath smells fruity... which can only mean that my body is going into full-scale ketogenesis, having nothing to process, I'm now burning a lot of fat off.

I think some folks might be realizing what's going on, to a degree. My Christian coworker surmised that I was fasting today, because I haven't gone out to lunch in a while, and every time they ask me what I'm having, I don't have a direct answer. I usually try to pop a vitamin and say, "I have mine, thank you". Oh well.

As far as weight loss goes, I don't think I'm losing much, if any, amazingly. I don't know, I haven't really been following too well... but incredibly, my energy levels are still well. One day at a time....

Day 22: The Home Stretch

No, it's not really the home stretch... but it feels like it. 18 days left? Yeah... I'm over the "hump" of the middle, and plodding on.

Sister M***** came over today, to spend some time with my wife. I mostly took a nap while she was here, since I was exhausted, and the girls needed their girl time, but it's still nice to talk to her. She seems to be doing well, and in good spirits.

Lots of stress at work. Still looking for a breakthrough in many areas of life, and still experiencing some of a breakthrough in others. I'll keep my hopes up, and prayers...

Day 21: Chicken, Bread, Fish

Hungry. Not for soup. For real food.

I used to love love love broccoli cheddar soup from Togo's. I don't want it. I want something real. Something to eat.

While the ladies prayed at "Daughters of Zion" tonight, I took the kids to play at a McDonalds with a play area. Of course, I got them some chicken nuggets and fries. But they didn't eat much. I soooo could have finished it up.

My energy level is okay. I drank enough water today. I'm thinking clearly enough. I'm not weak after standing for too long. Everything is mostly alright. I just really, really want food. Mainly chicken... bread, fish, potatoes... etc. I try not to dwell on it. With only 19 days left... I should be able to make it. But it's going to be busy until then.

Still praying. Still hoping to make a difference...

Day 20: Half over!

Sunday, could be better, could be worse.

My "Fast" isn't going so well. I ate soup today, which in itself, isn't wrong. Even if this turned into a "soup only" fast, do I think that it won't do any good? I don't know. I hope so. If not even giving a glass of cold water will "lose it's reward", then how could fasting from anything that I WANT for 40 days not be good? I don't want soup. I want chicken. I want mashed potatoes. I was constantly being offered food today by someone or another. I just ate soup. We have a vast amount of delectable dishes in the kitchen... I just ate soup.

I didn't drum today, instead I praise sang. And I had to keep a water bottle with me, because my mouth is CONSTANTLY getting dried out, to where it's hard to sing and maybe even talk without slurring. Tomorrow is Monday... meeting day... so I'm thinking I'll have plenty of opportunities to drink some water.

This is a very busy week too. I'm hoping I can last. First thing's first though... Sunday is over with. Now for Monday. The fast is half over, the easier half is through. Moving on...

Day 19: Under Control!

So I'm onto day 20 now, 19 was accomplished and things are under control. Somewhat. No, my schedule is off, I'm not drinking enough water, not getting a vitamin... but the wife is back home, so that will help regulate my activities a bit, as well as help me get time to nap, which always helps with the fast.

There's nothing super spiritual to report on... I'm working on trying to be better, be more holy and separate from the world, love mercy, show mercy, be patient... and yet I'm still not satisfied with what I am doing, or what I see in the short term future for me.

On another note, I'm tempted... to give up the fast. I can't. But... it almost feels like part of the reason for it is going away, since I have learned that the woman I'm praying for will be moving in a month or so. She needs my prayer, though. And I'm going to keep supporting her. One day at a time....

Day 18: Feeling a bit better

Another crazy day. Short day at work, long day with the kids. I'm not really sure if I'm dehydrated... I can be fairly sure I am, but the latest (and most annoying) symptom is an incredibly dry mouth. To the point where it's hard to talk at times, and of course in the mornings, I can just about gag myself to death trying to brush my teeth. TMI? Too bad. It's life.

Today at work, a lady offered me some donuts. And another man was passing out blueberry scones... I'm a sucker for blueberry. More than anything else, though... the smell of Taco Bell drives me nuts. Specifically... those flatbread chicken things. I haven't even eaten one before... yet it still drives me crazy.

I read a quote that stuck with me, and impacted me:

"Cowards never won heaven. Do not claim that you are begotten of God and have His royal blood running in your veins unless you can prove your lineage by this heroic spirit: to dare to be holy in spite of men and devils." - William Gurnall

That stirs me. "To be holy in spite of men and devils". I'm not doing the best job of being separate, being holy, being sanctified. I need to work on this. Be better than what I have been. Easier said than done... but I'm going to try for more. I don't like being lukewarm, trying for God halfheartedly, yet still trying to keep a foothold on the world. Revelation 3 says that God will "Vomit me out of his mouth". Not nice. So I suppose I had better get my act together. Piece by piece. It's started now.

Day 17: More Challenges

More stress. More work. At least Friday is almost here. The wife left town on her retreat, so all the kids are mine. Managing them has been a handful. I was having some problems earlier today, and I realized that I wasn't getting much in the way of essential electrolytes...

I needed to have some soup. Some light soup, just to keep my system still working. I didn't overdo it. I was getting some pains, and I really did feel that I needed this for healths sake.

I understand this is a short post... but I am utterly exhausted. So I'm hitting the hay early. Gonna keep praying...!

Day 16: The Hunger Strikes Back!

Been hungrier today than I have been for a LOOOONG time. The fantasies are still there. But even raisin bread, or some mysterious dish thrown together by my wife... they all appeal to me. It's my brain working overtime for food, not my stomach.

Spiritually... I'm still a little mixed up. Not sure what this is all leading towards. Still praying. Still being hindered by the enemy, mostly through work. Stress and work and circumstances... they all come together to make my life more complicated than it needs to be. The wife is leaving tomorrow for the Ladies Retreat, I have the 3 kids to myself

I was tempted to eat something... but if I've gone 16, I can go 20. And if I can get halfway there... I can finish this up. One day, at a time.

Day 15: Expectations

Is this really the essence of my fast? I don't want to seem discontent because I am not seeing the kind of results I want... after all, I'm only a little over 1/3rd of the way done, but I was looking for some... something. Spiritual revelations, ability to focus, telekinesis, mind-reading skills... well, okay, maybe not all of that. Maybe I am over-reaching with what I'm expecting, especially when I don't see all that I'm accomplishing.

Tonight, at prayer meeting, I was praying for some things. And I was asking questions... and God was answering them. Does God get impatient? Because it seemed almost like I was trying it. So what can I complain about? I guess nothing. I have to take each day, one at a time. And be patient. I don't know what I will learn from this fast... but I do think that I'll have a new-found appreciation for food when I'm done.

So, "All Nations" Sunday, when everyone brings a dish and has a big potluck, is going to be happening before the end of this. The Singspiration. My daughters Birthday. The ladies retreat. Another special "kids service" Sunday. It's going to be a busy few weeks. I'm now working my way through day 16, more than a week longer than I've ever fasted before. And honestly, I'm amazed. Amazed that I still have energy levels this high. How long will this last? I thought I'd be much weaker by now.

Looking forward to seeing what the end will look like...

Day 14: Monday

Monday wasn't as bad as I thought it might be, work-wise. Sure, 3 meetings. That didn't help me get work done, but it helped me drink more water. Got my vitamin. I have plenty of energy, even enough to give my kids a horsey-back ride (100 lbs, ugh!). Judging from the scale, it looks like I'm losing abooooooout a pound per day, which is not all that bad at all, I guess the early losses were due to my body adjusting.

Sister M***** had another treatment today. I don't know how it went, but I'm praying for her. I'm hoping that I'm giving her strength.

I can't believe it's only been two weeks! Four more to go... really three more and five days, but who's counting?

Day 13: Another day, a bit closer to madness.

Today, it was Taco Bell that pushed me over the edge. I use the phrase "over the edge" loosely, because I'm not insane... but the thought of eating some Taco Bell makes me nuts. It sounds SO good. I don't have a television, but I visited my parents today, and watched something there, and a commercial for... any type of food looks delicious, even the hamburgers from Dairy Queen. But the Taco Bell one is especially transfixing.

Church was good. I drummed alright, kept my strength up. I have far more strength than I would have believed that I'd have at this point, although I'm finding that I am dehydrated far more than I should be. There was a FIERY sermon today in Church. And Sister M***** was there, feeling chipper and her usual self. I made a special effort to talk to her and see how she was doing. At my usual email to her tonight she replied and told me she appreciates them, and that her next treatment is tomorrow at 3:30. I'll be praying for that.

I'm really hoping to get more hydration tomorrow. I have two meetings, so it will be easier (I tend to drink a lot in meetings, because I'm bored). I'm not ready for the work-week, but it's coming and I have plenty to get done. Next hurdle is this weekend, which may be the hardest... I get to deal with all three kids, by myself. I just HOPE that I can get two days off for it. That will help out a lot on the stress levels, having a three day week.

Still plodding onward. I can't help with being tempted to quit. What am I doing this for? A change in me, healing for M*****, and more. But it feels like there is so much working against me. It's hard not eating with my family, or not going on a date with the wife, and that causes resentment against me. I didn't realize how much social interaction is spent over FOOD. I can't go out with the church, or hang with my friends, or anything like that. That just makes it seem like there's that much more going against me, and the temptation to throw it all away and just be normal for a little bit... well, it's there. But what I have started... I will endeavor to complete. I'm just about 1/3rd of the way done.

Day 12: Another day, another temptation...

Thank God for the weekend.

I woke up this morning with a horrific cramp in my left calf muscle. I am sure it has to do with a lack of nutrition I'm getting. When morning came, I changed my v8 fusion juice to the "strawberry banana", why? Because bananas have potassium, and I'm thinking that was the reason for the muscle cramp. I also had a very, very dry mouth, all night. I realized I was dehydrated. Since the part of your stomach concerned with dehydration has also atrophied, it wouldn't really tell me when I was needing water, so I should just be drinking water all day.

My sister is in town, visiting from Seattle. My parents decided it would be nice of us to all go out to eat. What am I to do? What am I to do? I can't eat. But it would be noticed and I would be asked questions if I didn't. Since I wouldn't be getting a vitamin today (I left them at work) and I was concerned about some health problems, I thought that it wouldn't be too amiss if I ordered a light soup. I consulted others to see if it would be "breaking" the fast. It was only after I took the first bite that my wife changed her mind and told me that she thought it was, so, before I swallowed the bite, I spit it into a napkin and gave the rest to her. I'm really trying to do right.

So, I'm hungry. But not my stomach, my BRAIN. All food is starting to look sooooo good. Not so much food from Chevys, because that would be a horrific way to break a fast. But there are many other options. I went shopping and just about went nuts for all the stuff I wanted to eat. 12 days over with. Tomorrow is church. Patience...

Day 11: Friday at last!

I can't possibly TELL you how GOOD food sounds about right now. Chicken, fish, salad, mexican, sandwiches, eggs, potatoes... I am famished. And NOT my stomach. My BRAIN. My mind is going nuts.

Another stressful Friday. Getting work done. A lot more left undone. But keeping pace. Not as much stress. But things could be better.

Had the church game night tonight. Did well enough. Sister M***** was there, and looked to be in good spirits. Next weekend is the church ladies retreat... it'll be just me and the kids for 3 days, 2 nights. That will be more difficult.

Aside from that... I don't note any real big mental changes. I'm down 8 pounds from the first time I weighed myself, 5 days in. About 25 pounds down from my starting weight (that I remember, I didn't weigh myself then). My wife hugged me and told me that she noticed the difference in my "circumference". Nice. At this PACE, I'll lose 50-75 lbs total. I'm a bit uncomfortable with that, but it comes with the territory. 2000 Calories a day is the recommended daily amount for a man at rest, and someone like me with larger mass and muscle mass needs more. Losing weight is nice, but I don't want to lose my health with it.

Changes continue to happen in my life. Little by little. God knows what he's doing.

Day 10: Stress

SO much stress at work. With an extra heavy workload, it's so busy that I can't get to my regular work because of taking up the slack from others. This stress effects everything else in my life. I'm hoping for a breakthrough.

Made the mistake of going bowling tonight too. My mother called and pleaded with me to take my nephew out with some of the youth from church so I did. Did the fasting affect my game? You bet it did. Was I able to concentrate? Did I have great focus? No. I was weaker. I left after only an hour-and-a-half (something like 5 games) and headed home.

Everywhere I turn, I'm seeing great things to eat. I did a little studying today, also, on how to break a fast. Since I'm having small amounts of juice and milk already, my system isn't as drastically effected. Supposedly, if I broke it with salad (no dressing) and the next day got a little broiled chicken or fish, that would be ideal. I might start with water-based soups and work up to milk based soups too, I don't know. But things like subway sandwiches and chicken sandwiches and deep dish pizza, french fries and mashed potatoes and eggs and hash browns... all these things sound absolutely amazing. It's hard to think that I have to wait 30 more days before I can have anything... and it won't be any of THAT.

But I'm 25% through. And there are already some good things happening. God knows EXACTLY what he's doing, I don't feel like I'm out of his will and lost, I know that he's still got an eye on me, still working in my life to bring things to fruition, and still has a plan for me. I'm hoping that this is all his will, and that he will work some good through this. I just have to be patient.

Day 9: Is this how the rest of the fast is going to be?

Fairly mundane day. Still hungry. Still weak. Still craving food. Of course my wife waits until I'm fasting to bake this kind of egg-bread loaf that looks absolutely delicious. Never made it before, but she says she'll make it for me after the fast. Work was insanely busy, 40% of the department is out for 2-6 weeks, so I have to pick up their slack. Have various aches inside once in a while, I'm being careful that there's nothing too amiss. If something does go wrong, you can be I'll be getting some soup quick.

Church was good. I didn't get too fatigued during either practice or service. Sister M***** wasn't there, but I made sure to email her my customary "I'm praying for you" email.

I can see changes in myself, and my family. I can't see anything new with the church yet, but... day by day. I don't know that the treatments are working better, or not hurting as much... but I have faith that I'm helping her.

One day at a time. Lord give me strength.

Day 8: Tuesday: Fasting day (heh)

Day 8. I've now gone longer than I ever have, fasting. I'm feeling more faint, more often. I'm not sure what I dread more tomorrow, playing the drums (with my depleted energy level) or standing and praise singing (knowing that if I stand too long I get a tad faint).

Today was a mostly quiet day. My coworkers ask me if I brought my lunch (because I'm typically the guy that goes and get their lunches for them) and I mention that I brought mine. I don't mention that it's a single vitamin, but oh well.

And of course... everywhere, there's food. Friends on facebook are posting pictures of giant meals they are about to consume. People ask me what I'd like to eat, where I'd like to go, if I'm going to go. I order for my family in the drive-through. Everyone is eating. Everywhere. But not me.

8 days so far. 1/5th over with, 20% done. Each day adds another 2.5%. The easiest 8 days are over with. I'll stay strong until I have to consume soup or something else, for health reasons. Lord, touch Sister M*****. Heal her of cancer, shield her from the effects of chemo, give her strength, give her husband encouragement, grant her willpower, calm her mind, help her heart.

And change me.

Day 7: The enemy attacks...

I knew it. After such a great Sunday, where I felt so good, the enemy could be expected to try to take that away with a Monday like this.

It wasn't SO bad, all things considered... but the hunger reached a new level. So did the fatigue. How did it happen? Well, our department had met some key goals at work, and so every month we do this, we get a lunch, courtesy of management, during our monthly staff meeting. Meaning I had to sit for something like 2 hours next to a free all-you-can-eat BBQ buffet whilst we all talked about action items and listened to report-outs. I had to hear everyone else rave about the food. Although I did grab a plate and covered it up, to take home, I then helped clean up the food (and took some more home to a grateful family). But the emanations were killing me (smell). Of course that wasn't the least of it.

Later on, went shopping at a couple places. It's not so much the fatigue... it's standing in one spot for too long. That works your muscles far harder than walking. And it feels sometimes as if I'm about to faint. It's not easy. Now bear in mind, if I ever really do feel like I'm moments away (I've been there before), I would sit down and ask the wife to get me something with sugar in it, but all the same. I don't like feeling that way.

As far as modifications to my intake of "food", I've decided to cut out the v8 juice. It seems like it was going through me, with no effect. It didn't seem like it was being absorbed at all. I don't like that. So I'm trying v8 "fusion", in the hope that the full serving of veggies and fruits (and probably added sugar) might help. I'm crossing my fingers. Also, I switched over from non-fat to 1%. A minor switch, I know, but it occured to me that I don't have any fat whatsoever in my diet, and if I happened to get some soup that was made with something stronger, like whole milk, it may shock my system if I wasn't used to getting some fat. So maybe that will help some.

As a last note, as of the time of this writing I am on day 8... and this is now the longest I've ever fasted before. God give me strength...

Day 6: Church day!

Thank God for church.

I woke up this morning and was determined to have a good day. I woke up in good spirits. Took a shower before church. When the Bible says the "anoint your head and wash your face" so that you don't appear like you're fasting, I take that to mean as "take a shower and put on some cologne". So that's what I did. I felt good with myself, even if I was hungry.

Church was great. I felt convicted to give up things that I should be giving up. And best of all, Sister M***** was there with her husband. I got to talk to them, she mentioned how it was encouraging to read the short email I send her every night. I was glad for that. Her spirits are up, and I guess she's beginning a new type of chemotherapy soon... instead of a pill of 20mg, a direct injection of 100mg, possibly of a stronger poison. That doesn't make me feel good, but maybe it will work. I'm going to keep praying.

I had to play the drums, to my surprise... but I managed to do it alright, again to my surprise. I even got several compliments. I was pleased with that. Nobody seemed to notice I had lost weight, which was good. And to my surprise, I had gained a pound or so since last night... so I guess that some of that was water. I was also wearing more clothes, but... whatever. Dodging the questions of where everyone was going to eat was tougher... since I'm usually the messenger for that. But oh well.

Later on I went to McDonalds with some of the church to fellowship, play games, etc. Two of the youth there were trying to eat 10 hamburgers in 10 minutes. That would be an excellent way to self-destruct my digestive system! One of them managed 9. But I managed.

A good day. Now I get to face tomorrow, and see what the enemy will try to do to wreck my victories. I'll stay humble and ready. God is good!

Day 5: Oh my goodness!

Thank Jesus for the weekend.

Got to sleep in a tad. Got up and decided to do something that I've been meaning to do: weigh myself.

Now please understand... the purpose of this fast is NOT to lose weight. I was expecting to be down MAYBE 5 lbs from the last known weight. But I got on the scale and it read a whole 17 lbs lower. YIKES. I'm a tad more concerned now about my health. Some of that could be and probably is water loss, since I haven't been drinking as much as I should. But 17 lbs? In 5 days? That's too much.

I made sure to get some more water today, especially while I ran errands with my family. Carrying the milk and heavy groceries is not a problem, but I have to walk a little slower. While I was in "Ross" today I was feeling a little faint.

My main concern is tomorrow morning... I really hope the regular drummer is there, so I don't have to play the drums. I don't know if I have the energy to do that. But I'll give it my best regardless.

Another concern of mine is the amount of activities that's happening in the next 35 days. Church game night, Birthday party for my daughter, Church singspiration (I'm on a quartet, as well as doing my own solo song), Ladies retreat for my wife (and I get to watch the kids during that time), another church bowling event, a church marriage builders event... it's going to be busy. And I have to try to keep this hidden. I asked my wife if I look like I've lost weight, and she mentioned that she has noticed (when I asked her, not before). I'm hoping the weight loss slows down so that others don't notice it. Of course, it's to be expected, but I really don't want anyone to ask me about fasting.

Physically... I'm still feeling the same. Getting a little weaker, each day. But stronger than I thought I'd be. I find myself stretching a lot... I don't know if there's more acids building up in my muscles and joints, or my body is breaking down my muscles for protein, or what... but it does feel good.

Still praying for Sister M*****. Lord, give me strength...

Day 4: One more day

Not a whole lot new. I'm surprised by my energy levels, that they aren't completely depleted, but my spirits are up. I had so much work that I didn't get a chance to drink more than one (giant) cup of water, usually I drink 3-4 or so. So I don't think that helped.

And not just that, but we ran out of milk... I had only about 1/4th as much as I would normally have for the end of the day, but the small amount that I got was better than nothing. I also went shopping with the family... and I'm surprised with how many items have food on them. A box selling a toaster oven doesn't have just a picture of a toaster on it... it has a giant pizza with melted cheese on it. I think it's purely a mental thing, my brain is searching for food and my eyes are finding it.

I'm still hungry mentally, but my stomach isn't gnawing itself as much. Also added to the complications, I'm coming down with a slight cold of some sort, which is to be expected after my coworker was snotting and coughing all over the place this last week. I'm still feeling chipper, just a tad weak. Not weak to the point of not being able to bowl three games though, not that I know of at least. I'm apprehensive about trying, especially representing our church in the "church challenge" tomorrow at the local bowling alley, but almost everyone canceled anyway, so I don't have to worry about it.

I still can't even imagine me going 40 days... but I can go one more day. As Jesus said, "Give us this day our daily bread", I will take it one more day, at let tomorrow take care of tomorrows concerns.

None of my "sufferings" however, can compare with Sister M*****'s sufferings... I'm doing this for her. Hear my petition, O Lord...

Day 3: Temptations...

One more day...

I got through day 3 without too much difficulty. Except of course, for the temptations. If it's going to be getting this difficult, then it's going to be a long 40 days. I'm not actually hungry at this moment... from what I've read, the portion of your stomach that controls hunger will atrophy and not send the signal so much... but my MIND is going nuts. I'm thinking about food often, and smelling it from long distances off.

The temptation to eat something is almost overwhelming. I've done 7 day fasts before, and I was able to handle it, because I saw the "light at the end of the tunnel". I knew that I'd be getting food, glorious food, in only x days. But 36 more days to go? The tunnel is too long to see a light. And not just that, but of course I would have to ease back into eating foods. So I've been thinking of ways to "alter" my fast... maybe only weekdays! Go for 8 weeks, not eating 5 days a week! That's 40 days! Or, how about no solid foods for 40 days? I left myself a loophole with the whole "soup" thing, right? I could eat soup and drinks only, for 40 days. Or, I could fast one day on and one day off for 80 days!

Yes... temptations. It's hard when you don't see the end. It's almost like you're running out of hope. One truth is though, that I've been addicted to food for a while, over 31 years. And the desire for food is very much a physical desire, one that is denied at your peril.

We were supposed to go to the circus tonight, my family and I... and I dreaded the possibility of more stairs. I am not used to walking slowly up stairs, and yet I have to. Oh, I can run... when I heard a loud *bang* upstairs late last night, followed by the screaming of my kids, I bolted up there. But it's more difficult (not to worry, something fell in the closet and hit the closet door, and scared them. They don't like the closet door ever since "Monster's Inc"... but the spiritual significance of Hollywood making "friendly" monsters is another subject). I digress. It was decided to cancel the circus trip because of quite a few reasons, not the least of which was the fact that I'd have to watch everyone else eat at C*** F*****, which I would love love love love love to have. Mexican food is especially aromatic anyway, and that would just be awful to endure. Of course, the finances. But I think above all... I'm weary.

I went for a walk last night to the park to play with the kids. My son rode on my shoulders as I was getting ready to put him to bed. Lifting the youngest onto the swing, or holding my son up as he crosses the monkey bars... it's like everything is heavier.

But the highlight of the day was the temptations. I told myself more than once, "I don't know if this was a good idea". Or, "I don't know if I can do this". The kids were eating popcorn and I even began lusting after that. I know it's good to teach me to deny my flesh. But it sure is difficult. I haven't had an occasion yet to deviate. I'm in a good routine thus far, and as I've begun, so I'll continue. I do need to work on the "praying" part.

One day at a time.


But I'm going to continue. I haven't deviated from my plan yet.

Day 2: Getting Deeper...

Day 2 now complete. A wonderful church services tonight, and previous to that, praise practice. I was hoping I'd have enough energy to play the drums for the service, and I said a special prayer... and I did. I managed to conserve my energy, and we didn't play songs that were TOO fast. Going up stairs is a little tougher, I can't run up them like I usually do, but that could be entirely mental.

All my coworkers were at work today, in contrast to yesterday, however they were contentious. Especially the Christian girl that's usually my closest "ally", she was NOT in a good mood, and took it out on me. I do wonder how it is that the enemy can use Christians sometimes even more than he uses non-believers. But I managed.

I'm still hungry. In fact, if anything, I think my sense of smell has become far more acute. I could smell food from far off. I think the large amounts of water I'm drinking, as well as the v8 and milk once a day, are helping me keep my energy levels and mental dexterity up.

I think tomorrow is going to be one of the worst days, as my body shifts from stored energy reserves to ketone bodies from fat. We will see. I'm still successful in not letting hardly anybody know. But I found out at church tonight that there are a LOT of activities coming up... it will be difficult to either avoid or not eat food in a social church setting.

Also I church tonight, I got a "once in a blue moon" chance to testify. I mentioned how my faith was soaring, how there were good things in store for the church. I know a testimony is supposed to be what God has done, but what is wrong with testifying about what God is going to do? My faith is the evidence of things unseen, and if I have the evidence, it's as good as done. I want to see prayers answered, healings performed, miracles in the church, evil spirits cast out, needs fulfilled, people saved, my family renewed, and the church revived.

One day at a time.

Day 1: Challenges

It's the end of the day and I reflect upon the magnitude of the challenge I have chosen to undertake.

First off, I'm hungry. It seems my body knew I was fasting, and has chosen to give me that dull aching feeling that you feel on around the 2nd day of fasting usually. But I seem to have gotten it early. It's not an overriding, desperate hunger, it's just a gnawing of my stomach. Not too difficult to deal with.

But work... work. Everyone called out sick except for me. This means I got an hour of overtime, but more importantly, it meant that there was a ceaseless day of work for me. I didn't let myself stress out, it's just work and I'm going to do what I can do, but that is the first time that has ever happened in my department that I know of. I was offered coffee, but that wasn't hard to refuse. What is weird, is that nobody offered me any food. Almost ALWAYS, when I fast, someone has something left over for lunch, and they give it to me. Virtually 100% of the time. Maybe tomorrow.

Because today was the church fast day, it wasn't odd to be seen as "hungry". My wife shared my hunger as well, and I didn't have time to go get a v8 in the early part of the day. So I saved my v8 for night, and I'm going to pause before I get my milk and go to bed... give my stomach time to digest the v8. Tomorrow, I plan to have it in the morning. Vitamin mid-day.

After the church prayer meeting, I did make a mistake, as I picked up my nephew (the church broke the fast at Taco Bell after the prayer meeting) and I remarked on how good it smelled, and that it was torture. No, not torture... but I need to keep my feelings hidden to myself, if there was a modern parallel to "disfiguring your face so that you appear to men to fast", then it's remarking that you're hungry and that the smell of food is torture. The church doesn't need to know that I fasted today. Yes, the pastor called for it, but he can assume that I did or didn't, and it doesn't matter either way. Now they know (not that they care). At least I didn't make a bigger deal of it, but in any case, I need to be aware of this so that I don't betray myself. This is NOT about me. If I try to get attention for it, to try to make people think that I'm spiritual, then I am getting my reward: attention and admiration (maybe?) from people, instead of attention from God.

Tomorrow is church. I do wonder how my arms will hold up for praise practice while drumming, as well as for drumming during the service. I hope that I can continue doing that. I hope.

I want to get closer to God. I want to do this for the church, for my family... and for Sister M*****. If I don't do it... who will?

Prelude: The Beginning

There was a prayer request.

I heard that Sister M*****, a very sweet lady only two years my senior, has lymphoma. Before it seemed that God had healed her, and there was much rejoicing. I haven't seen her a whole lot though, I heard she was getting chemo from her husband and that she wasn't feeling well. But when she came to church on Sunday, I could tell that she wasn't 100%. That bugged me, but I told her it was good to see her and that we missed her much.

But then, last night at the womens prayer meeting, it was revealed that the cancer had returned, and she wasn't responding well to treatments. At that moment, I felt the need to do something. I felt what I can only say is God... telling me that I should fast for her.

Now I'm not a stranger to fasting. Before I was married, I fasted much more than I do now. I did several 7 days, 3 day fasts... even did one 3 day with no food OR water. But that was 7 years ago. I haven't fasted much at all since then. I have 3 kids, and a job.

But I'm not one to question God. He showed me the benefits immediately. *I* need it. You see, fasting isn't a "hunger strike" to change God's mind. It's not twisting God's arm. Fasting changes YOU. And I knew... I needed change. I wasn't who I used to be. I wasn't who I should be. I need a change.

And it's not so much what I need. Sister M***** needs it. If I don't stand in the gap, as her brother in Christ, and pray for her, and fast for her... who will? If I got cancer and my treatments weren't working... who would stand up for me? I could imagine the lonliness she might feel, or share only with her husband. And maybe, just maybe... a fast could ease that burden, somehow.

Apart from what I need, or Sister M***** needs... what about the church? The church could use an injection of something. Some power. Not saying that *my* fasting will propel the church into revival... but it might light a fire. It might inspire someone to step out of their comfort zone.

Apart from the me, or Sister M*****, or the church... my family. I can feel that we have been rotting spiritually. Getting lukewarm in spirit. And I don't want to raise my kids in that sort of atmosphere. I want a breakthrough. In every area in my life I want a breakthrough. I want a breakthrough in my family, in my church, in my own devotions... and Sister M***** needs a breakthrough.

If I don't do it, who will?

So, I'm beginning a 40-day fast.

No food. I cringe thinking about it. No food.
All the water I need... because I need to be healthy, and need lots of water to cleanse out the toxins and waste that my body will be producing. I also need to keep the PH of my bloodstream up, because my body will be converting fat to ketones, which are acidic in the bloodstream. I will take a daily multivitamin. I'll take small drink of V-8 juice each morning, to give me some nutrients. I'll take a cup of milk at night, to give me some others I may need. If you think that's "cheating" on a 40 day fast, then by all means, you try it.

I'm going to do what I need to do. I don't want to end up in the hospital. If I feel like I'm not able to perform my daily duties to my family, my church, and my job, I am not adverse to consuming broth or light soup.

But the main part of this isn't going without food, although that's what a "fast" implies... it's about a change of mindset. It's about praying. It's about humbling yourself. It's about abstaining from sin. It's about reading the Bible. It's about doing without the usual mundane things that might occupy your time... TV, video games, movies... and instead focusing upon God and his things.

What do I hope to accomplish? I would like to see Sister M***** healed. I would like to see revival in my home, my church, my family. I would like to see others inspired to good works (though I won't tell anyone, apart from my wife, that I'm fasting).

That's another thing. The Bible makes it clear... JESUS makes it clear, that when you fast, you don't brag about it. You don't "distort your face" so that other people know that you're fasting. You act normal and try not to appear to others that you are fasting. Otherwise, the reward is that "other people think you are spiritual", and if you are doing it for other people's attention... you aren't doing it for God's attention.

So, starting from sundown, last night, September the 13th, I'm fasting. With God's help, I will break the fast on October 23rd, around sundown. And again with God's help, I'll be posting on here my progress, challenges, successes, and breakthroughs. And hopefully, at the end, I'll have made a difference.

"And of some have compassion, making a difference" - Jude 22

Sister M***** may not be "full of faith", she may be discouraged... but I feel full of faith right now. I want to make a difference, and lift up my sister to the Lord. Just as Aaron and Hur lifted up the arms of Moses... so I can lift up M*****'s arms.

And I can make a difference. Because that's what I was put on his earth to do.