Day 40: COMPLETE

Thank God for Saturday. Tomorrow I've invited Sister M***** and her husband Brother C***** out to eat, and they're supposedly coming. As for today though... I made it finally. Went out to do a little shopping, felt a little faint while in CVS. There wasn't much to report. I'm going to keep praying, and keep emailing Sister M*****, I told her in today's email that I'm still praying for her, but I'm done fasting, heh. I didn't announce it on facebook, But I did make a small sort of announcement that I'm praying and that I'm DONE finally. I also did tell my aunt, I had a long ride with her to take her home.

So that's what happened on the last day. Somehow I made it. Through God's grace... I made it. THANK GOD. I just hope I've made a difference in Sister M*****'s life... I know it has made a difference in mind.

Day 39: TGIF

What a long week! Probably because a watched pot never boils, and a long anticipated day is slow in coming. Somehow, I've made it through day 39.

The singspiration tonight was splendid. I managed to do my solo, sing 3 songs with the quartet, and 4 songs with the praise team. The worship was great. I managed to avoid the desserts at the end, although yet another woman guessed that I was fasting, and quite a few more people remarked on how much weight I've lost.

Sister M***** got up to do her song... and she mentioned that her treatments weren't effective, but that she was going to keep the faith. Afterward I caught up with her and talked a little bit about it, they were going to put her on another drug, and the MD's didn't give her a prognosis. I just felt (whether me or from elsewhere) that this would mean that the miracle from God would be even greater... man could do nothing, but with God, all things are possible. I told her I was still praying for her and her husband. I asked if she cared if I stopped emailing her, but she wanted me to continue... and she was sure of that. I invited her and her husband out to eat on Sunday.

On another note... I'm seriously announcing on facebook, when I have completed the fast. This is not to bring glory or attention or credit to myself. It's to challenge others to look outside themselves and do something for someone else. That is ultimately one of the main themes of the Bible.

There are so many people that have so many resources... time, strength, talent, even their body... that don't get utilized properly. I spend money on dumb things while people die of starvation without Jesus, and while Christians in China are executed. I whittle away my time on useless pursuits when I could be witnessing, studying the Bible, or encouraging. I age slowly, feeding my body day in and day out, when I could be fasting for someone. I have talents that are untapped, or rarely used, when I could be putting them to good use in God. This is what I have been pondering lately. Something to think about...

38: Forging Ahead...

I certainly thought that I would be in a different position by now, 38 days in. Although I've seen positive changes, setbacks, encouragement, discouragement, wisdom, and learned a lot of other things, I really did think this would be more spiritual than usual.

One thing I am surprised in is the number of times I've been offered something free to eat, either at church or at work, even as a guest in others homes. Gone out to eat, etc. Tomorrow is the last time I will have to deal with that, I think... tomorrow night after the singspiration, there's going to be free desserts. Fun stuff. I'm a sucker for desserts, but I won't be tomorrow evening.

I pray I'll learn more... the end isn't happening yet.

Day 37: The End is Near

I arrive at work, and I find that we have been brought donuts. Free donuts. What wretched luck. Oh well.

I managed to get through the workday, ran errands, got home, went to church, etc... I got several compliments from people about how much weight I've lost. I came very close... VERY close to telling two of them why. Not out of bragging... but I would like to inspire SOMEONE to do SOMETHING. It seems like nobody is doing anything... nobody is praying for her, nobody is fasting for her. It's just "another person that has cancer". It hasn't even been announced at church. It hasn't been mentioned in the prayer requests. It's frustrating.

I want to encourage others to do something more than simply being weak, fairweather christians. I want there to be a challenge in my life to grow constantly... and likewise, I want others to be challenged to grow, with their focus on God and not the stupid things of Laodicea. *sigh*

But I didn't. I'll hold my peace, and ponder these things anew...

Day 36: Low Key & Busy

Plenty of work to do at work, then even more to do once I got home. Shopping and such. Then practice for the singspiration on Friday night. As drummer, I felt like my arms were about to fall off. I keep forgetting to take my vitamin. But I drank a good enough amount of water... I suppose. Still getting settled at work. Still working out the songs for the singspiration. Things are going well enough.

I really would have though that I'd almost have some sort of... supernational powers by now, almost. Concentration, persuasion, something... but then again, I am already planning out my next few meals.

One thing I do not advise... don't go grocery shopping while on day 36 of a 40 day fast. I bought a lot more than I needed, but if I had really turned myself loose, I would have owned the store. Heh.

Day 35: Monday Blues...

What a BUSY day. I had to move my desk at work to a different building. And set everything up again. On top of that, there was lots of work. And meetings.

Overall, today was not a great day of progress... feels like one step forward, two steps back... but I'm still getting down and praying. Not as long as I should. Not as fervently... but I have to do it regardless. I have to make this a positive habit, regardless of if I feel I have failed or whether I feel victorious.

On another note, I've been contemplating something:
At the end of the fast, should I announce that I have completed it?

Your initial answer may well be "no", because it's supposed to be a secret. I could understand that it's something between God and I, but the Bible seems to indicate that it shouldn't be talked about WHILE you're going through it, to gain sympathy... you don't often gain sympathy "after the fact".

The question you might ask is, "Why? Why should I? What is the benefit of doing so?" That's simple enough... to inspire others to do so. I will almost guarantee you that there are precious few Christians that are willing or that think they are able to do something like this. There are probably less than 1 in 200 that even have considered it a possibility, much less done so. A 40-day fast is usually chalked up as something only for spiritual superhumans like Elijah, Moses, and Jesus (the only three in the Bible we have record of doing so). Even then, I've heard many ministers people speak of these as supernatural fasts, that they wouldn't be possible. Granted, since I'm not in the wilderness praying, I'm working and drumming, picking up my kids and shopping for groceries, I'm expending more energy and I'll need my system to not be completely shocked and destroyed... so I have had a few bowls of soup and occasional drinks of milk and juice. I've still lost 40+ pounds.

When Paul spoke in 2 Corinthians 11 & 12, he "boasted" of his accomplishments: being whipped 5 times (39 lashes each time), stoned, twice beaten with rods, shipwrecked three times... he also mentions starving when he didn't have food, and fasting when he did. He didn't write this to receive glory of those that read it, he wrote that so that they would aspire to be greater for God. It was all for God's glory. I believe it was the same for Daniel and his fasts, they are for God to get the glory from. But it was only told about after the fast.

So... what should I do? I don't know. I'm still thinking about it. I would like Sister M***** to be encouraged in God, I would like the youth to be inspired, I would like the church to be challenged, and most of all, I want God to be edified.

I'll continue to ponder it...

Day 34: Church!

Today was "All Nations Sunday" at church. So we basically had a potluck of all KINDS of delicious foods. That I couldn't eat. A number of people mentioned to me that I looked like I had lost weight... and several people even remarked on the fact that I hadn't eaten anything. I tried to dismiss is as "I'm already done", or not be in the room in the first place. But some people knew I hadn't eaten... oh well.

I did get to talk to Sister M***** a little bit, she told me about how the people at her pharmacy were amazed, because her insurance covers an incredibly rarely covered, rarely prescribed, expensive, and powerful anti-nausea medicine that she's getting... and she's going on lower doses of something else... although she's getting higher doses of the main chemo drugs, because it's doing something to help, apparently. I can only pray... God can do the miracles. But I'm inspired by her.

One day at a time. I can only pray that I'm making a difference...

Day 33: Exhaustion Continues...

Got only 4 hours sleep last night. Woke up to go to work (overtime!) at 5:30, couldn't manage it, so I got there a bit late, around 6:40. Worked until 3:40.

While I was at work, in the morning, bagels were provided for us. For free. And cream cheeses... blueberry, regular, and strawberry, all of which I LOVE. But I could not indulge in. For lunch (again for free), some GIGANTIC sandwiches were delivered... tuna, turkey, ham, everything else you could think of, and you could put whatever fixins you wanted on them... again I had to abstain. And yes, as I walked down the stairs while everyone else was rejoicing in the food, I again thought, "Devil, you are just being a jerk now". Knowing that I won't eat, yet rubbing it in my face all the same. Oh well.

After work, I went to my daughters birthday party. Pizza and DELICIOUS smelling cake. The pizza smelt good too, but... oh man. It was tough.

1 week left...

Day 32: Recovery and Exhaustion

I returned to work today. Not so much stress... but a lot of work. I had to pack everything up to move into another building... but I was also offered overtime. I ended up spending 16.5 hours at work today, much of it "on loan" to another department. And I'm anticipating double-time for much of it. That's what I'm hoping for at least! $500 in one day? Sign me up!

I got a bowl of soup, just because I would need a little help with overcoming the sickness as well as working so long.

I've come to this conclusion: the enemy is a jerk. The devil knows that I'm not going to throw away this fast, and yet I am tempted with a HUGE, FREE meal of Chinese food, all the best things... for working in this department. The aromas... drove me nuts. No way would I indulge in it. But it was there anyway. So many free meals.

Oh, and a coworker started prying about my eating habits, so eventually I told her. Not a big deal, but she doesn't know all of it... but she knows. Minor news, but whatever.

I'm very tired. Still a little sick. The anti-cold meds I'm taking is helping a lot, it's only masking the symptoms, but that's all I really ask for. I hate runny noses.

Still praying for Sister M*****. I hope this is helping her... only God knows.

Day 31: Sick as a dog

Felt awful today. Didn't go to work. I have a bad cold or the flu or something... but I'll snap out of it in time. Just getting the extra rest, a couple glasses of apple juice in the morning, and a bowl of chicken noodle soup this evening, helped a bit. Now I'm just tired again. I have to go to work tomorrow, and get some overtime in, as well as work on Saturday too. It's a crummy thing to do, when you should be getting sleep, but overtime is so rarely offered, I have to take advantage of it while I can. An extra $400 would really help.

We're having a singspiration next Friday, which I'm excited about. Sister M***** said that she would like to sing, so I finally convinced her to call the church secretary and get herself in there. I'm excited about that. Of course, I'm excited any time I can influence someone to step out and try something new spiritually... or even just encourage someone.

I need some rest, while I can...

Day 30: 75% Complete

With 3/4ths of the fast over, I can't help but wonder: Have I made a difference?

I have in my own life. As far as Sister M*****, I don't know... I've encouraged her. But many of us don't know the effects we'll have until we reach "the other side". I'm down around 40 lbs now, give or take.

Still sick. Feeling worse. But I'm making positive changes in my life. Some that I'm reluctant to make... but it's for the best. Kind of like taking a bandaid off... you just have to do it. Eventually it'll feel better.

God give me grace... I need it.

Day 29: More Offers of Food

Every time I fast... it happens. I am offered food. GOOD food. FREE food. But only if I'm fasting.

So yes, there was a staff meeting today. Free ice cream and a fruit/berry bowl. And I had to fake like I didn't want any. Still sick, still feeling under the weather, and even feeling a bit weaker.

I got a good amount of water today, but nothing else. Still a bit dehydrated, even with all the water I drank.

Every Monday, Sister M***** has her cancer treatment, and I guess they upped her dose yesterday. She was really not feeling well (remember that chemotherapy is poison that's put in your body, poisonous enough to supposedly kill cancer cells, but not enough to do as much damage to regular cells). Chemotherapy is rough to go through, and I want her not only healed, but feeling better... and encouraged.

I need to be praying for her more.

Day 28: Monday Blues

Woke up sick. Feeling sicker as I write this. I am consolidated with the thought that it's now less than two weeks until I can eat. I'm not used to wanting food this badly. And I don't like to think it, but it may be affecting my health a bit more than I'd like. I'm not getting the nutrition that I want or need.

Today someone posted something on Facebook about the Giants beating the Braves in the playoffs... and it turned into a Biblical dispute about the antediluvian giants in Genesis 6. Maybe "dispute" is a strong word, but I was in the thick of it anyway. I wonder if my posts will last until the morning, but I was extremely civil, but I also dug pretty far into scripture, and a lot of what I read inspired me. Made me do a lot of thinking about the powers that resist God, and how easy it is to fall away from God. That's one thing that happened to me.

Suddenly, I have an extreme craving for ravioli and bread. Oh well.

Yes, I have not been nearly as close to God as I should be. I haven't been praying, or studying, or reading my Bible like I should be. Of this I am ashamed. And it's time that this changes. I love the word, I love to learn about it, dig into it, and let God reveal things to me. And this is another change in me that is happening. One of many that are needed.

Day 27: Fun Day at Church

Today was a day for kids at church. "Western Day". We were all supposed to dress up somewhat western like... cowboy hats, etc. I figured I'd wear blue jeans and a bolo tie if I could find one, and my genuine Texan Cowboy Hat. But then I figured I could go a step further... I found a Pancho Villa mustache for a few bucks, yanked out my "Chevys" sombrero that you get for your birthday, and a blanket that I picked up when I last visited the southwest, then slung two belts of bullets around my shoulders. It was a fun day, and everyone loved my costume.

Aside from that, I have now had another bowl of soup... making a total of 7 in 28 days. I'm really feeling the need for more nutrition, especially now that I feel like I'm coming down with something... I have a rough sore throat. I'm not getting the kind of sleep that I'd like, that I should be getting, but that's going to be changing. I'd like to start going to bed by 11, that would be pretty much ideal.

My older sister remarked on how I've been losing weight. She wondered what my goal was. Heh. My "goal" is to get through the next 2 weeks.

Already, I can see that God is doing a work in me... and in my family... even in my finances, although this has to be related to the fact that I'm not eating out much, or eating anything at work, heh.

Although this is supposed to be a "fast", I'm not sure just how much it qualifies as one if I am eating a bowl of soup every 4 days. A forty day fast? I don't know... but whatever. I'm not doing this for man's approval, just God's. If you're going to tell me that God can't use me if I eat soup a few times during a forty day fast, then you seriously need to be checked in your spirit.

I'm still dehydrated... at times it makes me a little dizzy. Like this morning, when I couldn't drink from the church drinking fountain (the only thing I had to drink for a while) because I was wearing the mustache. It didn't feel so swell. And yes, I'm not drinking milk and juice regularly, it's irregular at best. I'm not taking my vitamins, because I keep leaving them at work. But when at work, I am usually good about getting one a day.

I want to devote more of my life to God. Reading the Bible, studying, etc. I used to be sooo much more devoted... and the past few years... I've slipped. *sigh*

That's part of the reason for this fast. That wasn't part of it when I first felt that I should do this, but it has become part of the reason. This is still very much for Sister M*****, and I pray for her every day. But I'm seeing more effects... I can't see the effects it's having on her, except possibly encouraging her more.

But God knows...

Day 26: Temptations abound...

Today I was offered a free meal at Red Lobster. My mother called me up and offered to take me there, in exchange for taking her to Fry's Electronics... two places that I love to go. There was no way I could take her up on the offer... but it was duly noted WHEN this offer was given. I don't know that she's ever offered me that. Oh well.

I've lost over 30 lbs so far. Much of it could be water, but at the same time... eating nothing means that your body is burning SOMETHING. I drank a little Hi-C orange drink today, mainly because I was feeling a bit dizzy and a little faint. Tonight I had a glass of milk. This can't be healthy, but it's my situation right now.

Above all, still praying (not as much as I should) and still telling Sister M***** that I'm praying for her. I hope she stays encouraged...

Day 25: TGIF

Thank God for the weekend. This has been quite a week. Every day... I was offered something to eat. Donuts, Bagels, Cupcakes... today, a Chinese food dish, whatever I wanted, paid for by the boss. So I drove home and gave it to the family for lunch. Torture. Not actual torture... I'm sure chinese Christians in "re-education camps" may differ with me, but still. I didn't know this could possibly be so long!

And it seems like every time I talk to someone, they are talking about some delicious dish and how awesome it is to eat.

And of course, tonight we had "marriage builders" with the church married couples. I had some soup, while everyone else had delicious mexican foods. It was noticed that I didn't eat anything delicious, and some asked why. I managed to divert the subject... but it was clear that I was complaining of hunger and how everything else looked so good... and that could clearly be considered, "disfiguring ones face to appear unto men to fast". Nobody guessed that I was fasting, but still... I have to watch my step. What I say.

That's always good advice.

Day 24: Can this go any slower?

Another day. I'm feeling a good amount of energy. Still chronically dehydrated. I had another bowl of soup today, just because I really don't think I'm getting the nutrition I need, especially with me not getting my juice and milk daily, like I wanted to.

But I don't want soup. I am starving for food. 16 more days? I'll live. But it's practically unthinkable.

How am I doing in other areas? Life goes on. Still praying for Sister M*****. She needs prayer...

Day 23: Crawling Along

Could this go by ANY slower? Two weeks from this Saturday will be my last day. And yet this just seems to seriously be dragging. I have 17 days left, and just because I got past the "halfway" mark, I suddenly thought that this might be easy? Downhill from there? Not quite. I'm constantly trying to think of ways that I could break this fast and get some chicken... to no avail.

On another note, the past several days, I've not stuck to my plan. I haven't had any milk or juice in a while, only water. And my breath smells fruity... which can only mean that my body is going into full-scale ketogenesis, having nothing to process, I'm now burning a lot of fat off.

I think some folks might be realizing what's going on, to a degree. My Christian coworker surmised that I was fasting today, because I haven't gone out to lunch in a while, and every time they ask me what I'm having, I don't have a direct answer. I usually try to pop a vitamin and say, "I have mine, thank you". Oh well.

As far as weight loss goes, I don't think I'm losing much, if any, amazingly. I don't know, I haven't really been following too well... but incredibly, my energy levels are still well. One day at a time....

Day 22: The Home Stretch

No, it's not really the home stretch... but it feels like it. 18 days left? Yeah... I'm over the "hump" of the middle, and plodding on.

Sister M***** came over today, to spend some time with my wife. I mostly took a nap while she was here, since I was exhausted, and the girls needed their girl time, but it's still nice to talk to her. She seems to be doing well, and in good spirits.

Lots of stress at work. Still looking for a breakthrough in many areas of life, and still experiencing some of a breakthrough in others. I'll keep my hopes up, and prayers...

Day 21: Chicken, Bread, Fish

Hungry. Not for soup. For real food.

I used to love love love broccoli cheddar soup from Togo's. I don't want it. I want something real. Something to eat.

While the ladies prayed at "Daughters of Zion" tonight, I took the kids to play at a McDonalds with a play area. Of course, I got them some chicken nuggets and fries. But they didn't eat much. I soooo could have finished it up.

My energy level is okay. I drank enough water today. I'm thinking clearly enough. I'm not weak after standing for too long. Everything is mostly alright. I just really, really want food. Mainly chicken... bread, fish, potatoes... etc. I try not to dwell on it. With only 19 days left... I should be able to make it. But it's going to be busy until then.

Still praying. Still hoping to make a difference...

Day 20: Half over!

Sunday, could be better, could be worse.

My "Fast" isn't going so well. I ate soup today, which in itself, isn't wrong. Even if this turned into a "soup only" fast, do I think that it won't do any good? I don't know. I hope so. If not even giving a glass of cold water will "lose it's reward", then how could fasting from anything that I WANT for 40 days not be good? I don't want soup. I want chicken. I want mashed potatoes. I was constantly being offered food today by someone or another. I just ate soup. We have a vast amount of delectable dishes in the kitchen... I just ate soup.

I didn't drum today, instead I praise sang. And I had to keep a water bottle with me, because my mouth is CONSTANTLY getting dried out, to where it's hard to sing and maybe even talk without slurring. Tomorrow is Monday... meeting day... so I'm thinking I'll have plenty of opportunities to drink some water.

This is a very busy week too. I'm hoping I can last. First thing's first though... Sunday is over with. Now for Monday. The fast is half over, the easier half is through. Moving on...

Day 19: Under Control!

So I'm onto day 20 now, 19 was accomplished and things are under control. Somewhat. No, my schedule is off, I'm not drinking enough water, not getting a vitamin... but the wife is back home, so that will help regulate my activities a bit, as well as help me get time to nap, which always helps with the fast.

There's nothing super spiritual to report on... I'm working on trying to be better, be more holy and separate from the world, love mercy, show mercy, be patient... and yet I'm still not satisfied with what I am doing, or what I see in the short term future for me.

On another note, I'm tempted... to give up the fast. I can't. But... it almost feels like part of the reason for it is going away, since I have learned that the woman I'm praying for will be moving in a month or so. She needs my prayer, though. And I'm going to keep supporting her. One day at a time....

Day 18: Feeling a bit better

Another crazy day. Short day at work, long day with the kids. I'm not really sure if I'm dehydrated... I can be fairly sure I am, but the latest (and most annoying) symptom is an incredibly dry mouth. To the point where it's hard to talk at times, and of course in the mornings, I can just about gag myself to death trying to brush my teeth. TMI? Too bad. It's life.

Today at work, a lady offered me some donuts. And another man was passing out blueberry scones... I'm a sucker for blueberry. More than anything else, though... the smell of Taco Bell drives me nuts. Specifically... those flatbread chicken things. I haven't even eaten one before... yet it still drives me crazy.

I read a quote that stuck with me, and impacted me:

"Cowards never won heaven. Do not claim that you are begotten of God and have His royal blood running in your veins unless you can prove your lineage by this heroic spirit: to dare to be holy in spite of men and devils." - William Gurnall

That stirs me. "To be holy in spite of men and devils". I'm not doing the best job of being separate, being holy, being sanctified. I need to work on this. Be better than what I have been. Easier said than done... but I'm going to try for more. I don't like being lukewarm, trying for God halfheartedly, yet still trying to keep a foothold on the world. Revelation 3 says that God will "Vomit me out of his mouth". Not nice. So I suppose I had better get my act together. Piece by piece. It's started now.